breakingstuff.

Hello I am Jesse and I like some things
mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

(via chupbuttcabra)

momamiaaa:

Jellyfish Lake in Palau. Apparently the jellies have lost their ability to sting because of lack of predators in the lake and you can swim with them!

momamiaaa:

Jellyfish Lake in Palau. Apparently the jellies have lost their ability to sting because of lack of predators in the lake and you can swim with them!

(via chupbuttcabra)

endorphinobsession:

Goat simulator allows me to dangle this man hundreds of feet in the air by the tongue of a very aggressive magical goat. I approve whole-heartedly.


I need a better computer

endorphinobsession:

Goat simulator allows me to dangle this man hundreds of feet in the air by the tongue of a very aggressive magical goat. I approve whole-heartedly.

I need a better computer

(via bugcthulhu)

siryl:

chalchiuhtotolin:

downtroddendeity:

burntloaferings:

morbi:

zephyres:

がしゃどくろ

The Gashadokuro are such a cool folklore concept.
My favorite thing is this idea that they somehow are able to silently stalk people despite being almost 100-foot tall skeletons, because no one looks up.

Gashadokuro aka the starving skeletons are the reanimated and combined bones of the victims of starvation. Up to a hundred feet tall, they are heralded by the sound of bells ringing in the ears of their victims. They reach down from above to capture people and bit their heads off. The Gashadokuro haunt the darkness after midnight.

Man, I remember the first time I ran into these guys in Okamiden. I was so freaked out, it was ridiculous.

#mythology#skeletons#horror#hmmm#sudden thought#slendy as a gashadokuro y/y? 888)))#or or#horrible famine strikes somewhere#you can tell what happened to a village by whether it’s infested with gashadokuro or wendigos#TERRIFYING STARVATION MONSTERS EVERYWHERE CCC888

Art by Pixiv member Rickey.

siryl:

chalchiuhtotolin:

downtroddendeity:

burntloaferings:

morbi:

zephyres:

がしゃどくろ

The Gashadokuro are such a cool folklore concept.

My favorite thing is this idea that they somehow are able to silently stalk people despite being almost 100-foot tall skeletons, because no one looks up.

Gashadokuro aka the starving skeletons are the reanimated and combined bones of the victims of starvation. Up to a hundred feet tall, they are heralded by the sound of bells ringing in the ears of their victims. They reach down from above to capture people and bit their heads off. The Gashadokuro haunt the darkness after midnight.

Man, I remember the first time I ran into these guys in Okamiden. I was so freaked out, it was ridiculous.

#mythology#skeletons#horror#hmmm#sudden thought#slendy as a gashadokuro y/y? 888)))#or or#horrible famine strikes somewhere#you can tell what happened to a village by whether it’s infested with gashadokuro or wendigos#TERRIFYING STARVATION MONSTERS EVERYWHERE CCC888

Art by Pixiv member Rickey.

(Source: fleshosphere, via bugcthulhu)

patomatic:

This is Zack. He enjoys Opera, collecting sea shells and eating your wonderful face.

patomatic:

This is Zack. He enjoys Opera, collecting sea shells and eating your wonderful face.

(via bugcthulhu)

malformalady:

The coconut crab is the largest land crab in the world. It can grow up to 60cm from head to tail. They can be found in many islands in the Indian Ocean and in some islands in the Pacific Ocean. The tiny Christmas Island is the hangout for the largest remaining population of these gigantic crustaceans in the world. Like all true land crabs, the coconut crab spends most of its life on land. In fact, the only time it takes to the water is to lay their eggs, after mating took place on land.

malformalady:

The coconut crab is the largest land crab in the world. It can grow up to 60cm from head to tail. They can be found in many islands in the Indian Ocean and in some islands in the Pacific Ocean. The tiny Christmas Island is the hangout for the largest remaining population of these gigantic crustaceans in the world. Like all true land crabs, the coconut crab spends most of its life on land. In fact, the only time it takes to the water is to lay their eggs, after mating took place on land.

(via bugcthulhu)